


Both sides, now

by miyarinnnn



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Atsusuna besties, Exes to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Platonic SakuSuna, Suna Rintarou-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:49:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28199421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miyarinnnn/pseuds/miyarinnnn
Summary: “You could’ve just referred to him as Atsumu at this point, you know? You’re confusing me here,” Rintarou frowns, “We all know you guys are past the stage of last names, didn’t he even have that weird nickname for you? Omi-kun, wasn’t it?”“If you are listening to me logically, you would be able to tell it right away that I’m talking about Atsumu.” Sakusa strikes back, “The reason why you got confused was probably because there’s a part of you that wishes for Osamu-san to change his mind.”Rintarou finally understands why Motoya apologized for his cousin beforehand, because Sakusa Kiyoomi managed to hit all his sore spots with just one single line.*Alternatively known as the bendy boys going on a date just to end up talking about Suna's ex-boyfriend and Sakusa's crush.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou, Sakusa Kiyoomi & Suna Rintarou
Comments: 23
Kudos: 342
Collections: SunaOsa





	Both sides, now

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiiiiiiiiii, I'm back (so soon) with another new fic! Ever since I read the chapter where Komori and Suna were talking about Sakusa, there was this part of that wondered, "did Komori ever set the two of them on a date?" but I never got to write it out. Now here I am, whipping up a long ass fic just because I wanted to indulge myself with some SakuSuna, but of course with my fav Sunaosa angst must be included ;)))) I planned it all and wrote it within two days (to the point I'm now having a headache) so please don't mind if there are some errors. ANYWAY, I hope you enjoy reading as much as I had fun writing it out. XOXO  
> P.S- I seriously couldn't come up with a proper title so I just casually filled out the song that was in playlist  
> So basically, the song was about spiritual maturation and i felt like it's kind of fittin' since Suna grew throughout this fic.  
> Oh and lastly, EJP is based in Tokyo in this fic.  
> With all these facts, you're set to go.

“Why did you agree to it?” Rintarou finally decides to voice out the thoughts that had been bugging him ever since Sakusa Kiyoomi walked into this café as his date.

Sakusa looks up and blinks at him, his lips seem to be moving behind the surgical mask he has on, but the motion stops right after. Rintarou is pretty confident in his ability in reading people just from the eyes, but somehow he seriously has no idea what’s going through Sakusa Kiyoomi’s mind.

Getting a taste of his own medicine, Rintarou bitterly thinks. He himself was never the one to wear his heart on the sleeve. Right, didn’t Osamu use to tell him? That he had no idea what Rintarou was thinking at times, and in his anger fits, he also said a bunch of stuffs as well, like how vexing it was to be Rintarou’s boyfriend sometimes.

Frustrated at the direction of his own thoughts, to especially be thinking of his ex-boyfriend in the middle of a date, Rintarou digs his nails in the palm, hoping the action could get his ex-boyfriend off his mind. Sakusa eyes at his fingers curiously.

The bell attached to the door of the café chimes, and they both stare at the coffee laid out in front of them in silence.

This was a bad idea, Rintarou finally realizes, he has no idea why Motoya firmly believed he would get along with his cousin out of all possible people. Sakusa Kiyoomi himself looks like he’s being forced to sit across him with the scowl he’s wearing between his brows.

“Would it be convincing if I tell you how annoyingly persistent Motoya was?” Sakusa speaks up a little while after, when Rintarou almost starts thinking about possible ideas to excuse himself. He’d rather grief alone in his now-empty apartment than continue this awkward situation, feeling like he’s currently sitting across a principal and being judged.

His reply kind of makes Rintarou smile in amusement. No kidding, Motoya was tenacious. Rintarou had turned him down on this offer for several times, that it was no use. He convinced himself that it wasn’t because he’s not over Miya Osamu, definitely not.

_“Despite his personality and grouchy face, Kiyoomi is a real good person down beneath.” Motoya had tried to convince and Rintarou gave him an unimpressed look._

_“It’s not really helping, ‘Toya.” Rintarou countered, “I mean this is Sakusa Kiyoomi we’re talking about. I’m positive he would pull a no-show.”_

_“Trust me on this, Kiyoomi will come,” Motoya clapped him on the shoulders, “besides, I think you could use some company right now.”_

_“I’m not miserable, Motoya.”_

_“I know, Rintarou.” But the look Motoya gave him seemed to say otherwise, “I just think it would be a good idea for you to crawl out of your makeshift comfort zone and socialize once for all. It has been months.”_

_The point he made was dead on, and Rintarou couldn’t find it in himself to reject, not when the other male had been the one to pick up his pieces after THAT day and attempted to make him whole again._

_“Kiyoomi has gotten hot ever since he started college, you know? He’s no longer the lanky bean pole like you said he was. You could just stare at his face even if you guys end up not clicking.”_

_“Damn you, Motoya.” But Rintarou smiled, he hoped Motoya could tell how grateful he was to him, for actively looking after him, even though he had tried to shut him off for several times._

_“Is that a yes?” Motoya grinned._

_“It’s not a no,” Rintarou shrugged, “I’m kind of intrigued to see how Sakusa Kiyoomi looks now.”_

_“I’m sure you would have a good time,” Motoya smiled at him considerately, “if anything, Kiyoomi is a good listener, you know.” You could always open up to an outsider if you don’t want to do it with me left unsaid, but Rintarou instantly understood._

_“Toya, I ain’t going to rant on a first date.” He said, before grinning, “I’m gonna bail if he doesn’t turn out hot like you mentioned.”_

_Motoya laughed. “Gotta make Kiyoomi dress up then.”_

Motoya wasn’t wrong, Sakusa Kiyoomi is indeed hot, he’s nothing like high school. His curls don’t fall onto his face awkwardly like his teenage years, instead frames his face perfectly, and his choice of having an undercut makes him twice as manly. His jawline is more prominent, and he had filled out quite pleasantly, the muscles, especially the biceps underneath the skintight turtleneck he’s wearing, looks splendid. He doesn’t even have to start on about his choice of fashion, especially the luxurious long trench coat he has on his lap, Sakusa Kiyoomi dresses exquisite, like the young master he is, not to mention, Rolex buckled around his trademark bendy wrist, damn rich boy. Compared to him, Rintarou is significantly underdressed, considering he’s just wearing an oversized varsity hoodie and a pair of joggers. Rintarou feels like the main lead in some sort of Korean dramas, the typical broke high school girl with three part-time jobs who managed to land herself an elite guy.

Don’t get him wrong, Rintarou is not negligent when it comes to fashion, unlike someone he used to know.

_Stop, stop thinking about someone who is not here anymore._

Rintarou makes sure he looks presentable almost all the time, taking the fact that he’s now a public figure into account. But these past few weeks had been an exception, he could barely bring himself to care about his own job, let alone his appearance. Sakusa didn’t look disturbed when he first laid his eyes on him when he walked in, he either seemed to have heard from Motoya about his mental state and was being considerate, or he just didn’t give a flying fuck, Rintarou will never know.

“That makes two of us,” Rintarou consoled, that Sakusa wasn’t the only one who was kind of forced into this situation, “Motoya can be pretty adamant.”

Sakusa’s scowl seemed to have wavered slightly, and he says. “But he’s doing it out of good will so it’s hard to refuse even more.”

“Oh? Sakusa Kiyoomi being accommodating? Certainly not something one usually comes across.”

Sakusa’s perfectly shaped brow quirks up, “I have feelings too, you know.” But hearing him say the line in such monotone kind of makes Rintarou chuckle.

“Well, humor me.”

“You know, you’re no better than Miya.” Sakusa frowns, but there’s something in his eyes that Rintarou couldn’t put a finger on, “You both easily get on people’s nerves.”

As a matter of fact, Rintarou is perfectly aware that he’s talking about Atsumu, not the other Miya who Rintarou was deeply involved with. But just the mere mention of the said name still manages to make Rintarou shudder, even though it shouldn’t have this much of an impact after all these months. Sakusa visibly freezes as well, finally registering his own words.

“Say, Suna-san. Is this your first time going on a blind date?” He tries to change the topic.

“Just Suna is fine,” Rintarou sighs, finally meeting Sakusa’s apologetic gaze. Oh, so the mighty Sakusa Kiyoomi could actually feel bad? That’s a new information. He had considered Sakusa as someone who’s as emotionally detached as him. But even so, Sakusa really has no reason to feel apologetic, he has literally done nothing wrong, it’s Rintarou who’s being overly sensitive.

“and you don’t have to tiptoe around the subject, almost everyone around me knew about us. I hear his name more than you could even imagine so you’re not stepping on a land mine.” The look Sakusa throws at his direction is identical to the one Motoya would give whenever he told him that he was fine, a skeptical one. Rintarou chooses to ignore, one of the few things he has gotten good these past few months.

Eerie silence falls upon the scene, and Sakusa stirs his coffee awkwardly. Rintarou is used to silence, but the current one feels stuffy, it probably has to do something with the way he had reacted to a goddamn name.

“-to answer your previous question, no. I haven’t ever been to a blind date nor any set-up. This is my first time.”

“Figures,” Sakusa responds, “you’re awful at this.”

Rintarou couldn’t help but scoff at his reaction, Sakusa is blunt just like Motoya warned. The cousin had apologized in advance for all the possible offending acts Sakusa would’ve pulled from being his blunt self. But Rintarou really doesn’t mind, he could use some honesty right at the moment, he’s done with people tiptoeing around and swallowing words instead of openly declaring everything they had wished to say.

Like you’re the one to talk, his inner voice screams.

“It couldn’t be helped,” Rintarou shrugs, “after all I got myself a first ever boyfriend at the age of 17 and had continuously seeing him for the past 4 years.” He thinks about the rare, soft smiles directed solely to him, linked pinkies and late evening walks, the flutters he had from his high sweetheart, those innocent, beautiful yet long-forgotten rose-colored days.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sakusa asks vaguely, but Rintarou exactly knows where he’s heading.

Sort of incredulous, he demands. “Are you seriously asking your date to talk about his ex-boyfriend?”

“Because you look suffocated.” Prior to this, Rintarou would’ve thrown a fit, or cussed him out that he had no right to assume Rintarou’s mental state or whatsoever, anger primarily had been his source of outlet the initial few weeks. But Rintarou’s too drained to keep up his act of a rebellious child or say things he doesn’t actually mean. Also, Sakusa had been spot on, it really has been killing him softly inside.

“Despite how I look, I’m a pretty good listener.” Sakusa says, unhooking his mask to take a sip on his coffee. Sakusa Kiyoomi looks tenfold breathtaking without the mask, and Rintarou would’ve stared at his face for long if he isn’t currently overwhelmed by his own thoughts.

“You could talk in a third person if it embarrasses you.” Sakusa adds, setting down his coffee cup with such eloquence, as if he were in the middle of 19th century tea party.

“Are you a psychiatrist or something?”

“I take a few classes so I don’t see why not,” Sakusa shrugs, “I know a few things about confidentiality thanks to the lectures, if that’s what you are worried about it.” If Sakusa is saying the last line to encourage him, it’s working surprisingly well.

Rintarou’s mind wanders to a part of the message left seen in the chats of his line account.

_You don’t have to talk to me, you know. But don’t overthink and hurt yourself, Rintarou. I know I’m a middleman but it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you as much as I do to my brother. It doesn’t have to be me, please at least lean on someone near you, like Komori._

He’s grateful, that the blonde male was trying his best to reach out to him, despite being involved with both parties. Even though Rintarou deliberately didn’t reply him (and he’s not an exception, he didn’t respond to almost everyone), Atsumu had no reason to feel guilty, Rintarou has never had the intention to blame him nor even the very person responsible for his heartbreak, because he himself wasn’t faultless in this nasty breakup.

Rintarou had been too self-absorbed, constantly overthinking all on his own, and refused to lean on the person he called his boyfriend. Even after the breakup, he never actually managed to say the things buried deep in chest, still now, Rintarou has a whole lots of regrets, letting Osamu go without even attempting to put up a fight is his biggest one. But he doesn’t think he could ever tell these overflowing feelings out loud to Motoya, he doesn’t feel safe to lay out the most vulnerable part of him, heck, he refused to do that with his own boyfriend, the sole reason why he is now miserably sitting in an urban café downtown Tokyo, attempting to have a date with Sakusa Kiyoomi.

Even the love of his life, Miya Osamu wasn’t able to pry him open, and what makes Sakusa Kiyoomi think he would be successful? Rintarou takes a glimpse of his face, but he looks just like he always does with some sort of glint in his eyes, like it isn’t a big deal to him whether Rintarou decides to talk or not. He’s not doing out of obligation, nor because he feels sympathetic, he just looks genuinely curious for some reasons. And somehow, the earnest expression the raven-haired male has on his face somehow stirs something in him.

Without being able to register his own act, he quietly asks. “Say, Sakusa-san. Have you ever been in love?”

A perplexed expression flashes on his face, like he hadn’t expected Rintarou to talk, even though he was the one to prompt, but he instantly schools his usual expression once again.

“That’s an interesting question, and Sakusa is fine,” he interjects, “would you believe me if I say I have yet to comprehend the concept of love?”

Rintarou smiles, recalling some distant memories which consists of his happiest days of life which he had failed to realize back then. “Sometimes, you could be in love without being aware of it.”

“Funny how Motoya used to tell me the exact line last few weeks ago.”

“Let me tell you, I was the one to enlighten him.” Rintarou smiles, a little floored when Sakusa returns a small smile.

“I knew he wouldn’t be able to come up with a line like that all by himself.”

Comfort seeps into the atmosphere, Rintarou instantly decides he likes Sakusa Kiyoomi, and his assumptions weren’t wrong, they’re pretty similar, maybe Rintarou could seek comfort in this man.

Sakusa has this pensive look on his face, before he speaks up once again.

“I don’t know much but if tolerating a person even when he constantly gets on your nerve, putting up with his acts even though you hate unnecessary social interactions, and despite thinking how you dislike his presence yet you have this,” Sakusa clutches his chest, “indescribable feeling when he’s not hanging around you close, if that’s what it means to be in love, I think I had been in love.”

“-You’re clearly still in love.” Rintarou corrects, “And you still came to the date? You’re breaking my heart here.” Sakusa rolls his eyes at that.

“But I don’t see him often,” Sakusa later adds quietly, “so I’m not sure if I could even be in love with someone I barely see.”

“Love can be a lot of things,” he says, contemplatively, “and it doesn’t always come with a warning either. You could just be doing the silliest thing ever, like having a competition to see who can devour chuupets the fastest in the middle of the night. Before you could even refuse, he’d already had your heart.”

A corner of Sakusa’s twists a little. “Tell me some more.”

**_(2011)_ **

_When Rintarou moved to Amagasaki all the over from Aichi, he had no idea that he would be going to the same school as the twins who gawked at his torso like it was the most fascinating thing ever, when their teams played against each other. It’s not like Rintarou was disturbed, he was used to people gasping whenever he twisted around to spike, but something about the twins irked him for no reason, maybe the creepy way they blinked simultaneously, he’ll never know._

_He should’ve expected though, the twins were famous, with Yako Junior High they went to, always making to the nationals, there was no way they wouldn’t go to a powerhouse school like Inarizaki._

_The second he entered into the gym, one of the twins (the one who got on his nerves even more, thanks to that certain comment he made right in his face, about Rintarou being terrible when it came to receives) pointed right at him and screamed “bendy guy” and Rintarou instantly decided that he didn’t want to do anything with them._

_But Miya Atsumu was the most tenacious guy he had ever encountered in his life, even though he barely knew him, he dragged Rintarou to practices, making sure he didn’t slack off. Rintarou didn’t know who gave him the right to boss around like that, and the freshly blonde male didn’t even put it nicely when he tried to confront about Rintarou trying to play hooky, but Rintarou detested wasting his energy in irrelevant things and that included quarreling so he would always respond impassively._

_Despite having a shitty first impression and unceasing bad encounters, Rintarou miraculously grew on Atsumu, that was the kind of presence he had. He was terribly blunt, sometimes acted like he was above everyone else, but beneath all that was just a boy who genuinely and passionately loved volleyball, Rintarou couldn’t bring himself to hate after discovering his core. And just like that, Atsumu managed to become his closest friend._

_People were surprised to hear whenever he admitted that Atsumu was the first one he got close between the twins. They mostly assumed that Rintarou and Osamu would just click instantly with their similar personalities, but Rintarou begged to differ. In fact, it was because of their similar personality that it took them almost a year to get comfortable. Rintarou and Osamu were classmates since the very first day of school, but they rarely acknowledged each other in classes, even if they did, it was just nodding at each other’s direction or a few questions about practice here and there. There was an irony here, between the twins, Osamu was actually more popular with people, with the subdued look he had in his eyes, and his well manners, but Rintarou unintentionally befriended the one who most people unanimously deemed as a jerk._

_It wasn’t because Osamu was hard to talk to, he was easily approachable and it wasn’t difficult to like him at all, but Osamu was difficult to know personally._

_Atsumu was never the one to sugarcoat words, spitted out words that cut sharper than any blade yet he almost always wore his heart on his sleeves, so it was a child’s play to figure him out, especially thanks to Rintarou’s exceptional ability when it comes to judging people. But the other twin, with an indifferent face that could rival his own, was hard to comprehend, his expression never seemed to give away his thoughts. He only showed a change in expressions to a handful of people he was close to, which Rintarou could’ve been if he had taken the initiative but just like Osamu, Rintarou was never one to approach others and so they merely remained as acquaintances._

_It was only when Rintarou (regrettably) ended up being Atsumu’s self-proclaimed best friend that he had the chance to finally understand Miya Osamu. Miya twins were sort of a package deal, never one without the other. Whenever Atsumu dragged him out from his designated dorm room for some voluntary practice, Osamu was there right behind his brother. In summer holidays, when Rintarou had to temporarily move out of his dorm room for the annual clean-up, also couldn’t go back home to Nagoya due to the club activities and the Miyas willingly offered for sleepovers, Rintarou couldn’t help but grow close to both brothers. It’s a given; if you managed to tolerate Miya Atsumu, there was no way you wouldn’t like Miya Osamu._

_He wouldn’t never admit it out loud but those years of being dragged around, whipping out his phone when the twins started fighting brutally like the animals they were, or desperately attempting to make it seem like he wasn’t in association whenever they humiliated themselves publicly, those days were one of the happiest days of Rintarou’s life, and he took them for granted._

_The other half of his happiest days would be - being Miya Osamu’s boyfriend. Rintarou was sure he could take on anything once the grey-haired male’s left hand was softly wrapped around his right. Osamu had made him feel things he didn’t think he’d be capable of feeling, brought smiles on a grouchy person like him and Rintarou would risk it all and give him the world if he were to ask for it._

_As easy as it is to love Miya Osamu, the process of realizing wasn’t all fun and games; Rintarou really wished he had known like how it was portrayed in romcoms they used to binge watch._

_He won’t lie, he had found the twins attractive, it was hard not to, coming into terms with his sexuality proved to be even harder when he had been hanging around two attractive people. Even though he declared that he didn’t want to do anything with them, the twins were easy on the eyes, it should be obvious with all the girls fawning over them if that’s anything to go by._

_But Rintarou had to admit, he had always found the grey-haired twin a little more attractive than the other, the way he conducted himself, how he paid attention to all the small details of Rintarou, like remembering to leave out beansprouts when he ordered ramen in his stead, knew Rintarou preferred carbonated water, knew how he slouched even more when he got cold and would wordlessly offer his own scarf._

_It came without any warning, one minute Miya Osamu was a dear friend, the next minute he figured out that he may or may not be a little in love with the said friend._

_It was during the summer vacation of their sophomore year, and Rintarou was having a sleepover at the Miya household as per last year due to his dorm’s annual remodeling. It was just him and Osamu in the common room, Atsumu was out like a light back in their bedroom, exhausted after forcing himself into a intensive jump serve practice. They were both sprawled out on the tatami, even though the sun had gone for long, the heat didn’t follow, still persisting around just like the sweat stuck to their bodies._

_“Hey, Suna. How fast can you eat chuupet?” Osamu asked out of the blue._

_And Rintarou had made a wrong choice of answer. “Pretty sure it’s faster than you could ever try.”_

_“Is that a challenge?” Rintarou should’ve known he shouldn’t ever provoke the twins; Osamu might look like a mellow version of Atsumu but his competitive streak was twice as bad as his brother._

_“I didn’t say that…”_

_“No backing out, Sunarin.” Osamu gave him the same boyish grin that the girls in their class couldn’t stop gushing about and Rintarou somehow could agree with them on its appeal._

_Ginjima jokingly told him several times, that no matter how much Rintarou refused to get involved, he always ended up giving in to the twins and Rintarou was starting to think that it might be a little true when he agreed to the competition Osamu had suggested._

_“On your mark, get set...go!”_

_He never saw it coming, in his midst of slurping down the jelly stick as fast as he could, he looked over to the boy next to him, doing his utmost to win, there was nothing captivating about the situation, and Osamu looked rather dumb, like a three-year-old boy engrossed in his dumb antics, but Rintarou’s chest warmed with affections._

_And the realization came crashing down, he froze in his motions, and the other boy unaware of the turmoil continued to suck on the chuupet and ended up winning._

_“I dare you to say that to my face again,” Osamu grinned in triumph, and faltered when he registered Rintarou’s state, “Sunarin? You good?” He inched closer to inspect Rintarou, and the action snapped Rintarou out of his trance._

_“Yeah,” he replied, a little breathlessly, “I’m good, I’m good.” He chanted, more likely to convince himself._

_“Yer red,” Osamu pointed out, somehow the comment made him even more flushed, and he blamed it entirely to the weather. If Osamu noticed anything, he probably decided not to pursue further._

_Rintarou was by no means an obvious person, he had always been good at pretending thanks to his resting bitch face. Yet, coming into terms that he had feelings for his friend turned out to be the toughest trial he had ever had to overcome. Miya Osamu stirred him up in a way no one else managed. Despite his restraints, he freaked out even when Osamu was just casually handing him the water bottle, his usual neutral expression gone once Osamu was within the vicinity. He had never felt this way, being flustered was a whole new experience for him, and it took him longer than expected to put himself together._

_The twins did a lot of foolish things together, but they were by no means dumb. Much to Rintarou’s horror, Atsumu confronted to him about it one day. Osamu had gone out to hang out with his other classmates, and Rintarou decided to humor Atsumu which turned out to be the worst mistake of his life._

_“Do ya have a crush on ‘Samu, Sunarin?” Miya Atsumu wasn’t a person to beat around the bush, he bulldozed right to the subject, not even giving Rintarou enough time to mentally prepare for the impact._

_There were lots of things Rintarou had opted to say, but his brain stopped functioning right at the moment and all he could manage out was a “how did you know?”. Not even “what do you mean” or an incredulous “huh”, he just straight up confirmed his suspicions._

_Atsumu grinned, contentment obvious on his face now that he successfully managed to trick Rintarou not to evade his question by making him flustered. Atsumu knew him pretty well after all._

_When Rintarou came back to his sense, he immediately slapped Atsumu on the back._

_“Don’t you dare tell it to him,” with a glare, he warned him. But Atsumu looked rather unfazed._

_“Samu doesn’t need me to figure it out, y’know?” He shrugged, “You were that obvious, Sunarin.”_

_He knew Atsumu was right, and that’s why he couldn’t find any word to retaliate. He looked down to his lap._

_“Not like you were obvious the entire time,” Atsumu tried, “but you were clearly flustered last few weeks of summer vacation. You would turn red even though ‘Samu was just standing next to you.”_

_Rintarou almost attempted to argue that he was being absurb, but he knew that was really the case._

_“If it were someone else, it would’ve been easy to pass over.” Atsumu unhelpfully supplied, “But you being flustered, it wasn’t something to brush aside.”_

_“Thanks, you’re really helping me out here.” Rintarou buried his face in his hands exasperatedly._

_“Hey, Suna,” Atsumu clapped him on the shoulders, and squeezed it in a consoling way, “It’s not my place to say, but it’s gonna be alright you know? You don’t have to think over it that much.”_

_Rintarou had wanted to say “you’re not Osamu, how would you know if he feels repulsed by this situation or not” but decided against it. He chose to change the subject, and Atsumu let him._

_Once Atsumu had confronted him on the matter, it shouldn’t be a surprise to him when the other twin chose to do the same but Miya Osamu in his own way, completely baffled him, when he said he had always felt the same towards Rintarou, ever since the first sleepover he had in the Miya household._

_Discovering that your unrequited love was just purely presumed all by yourself was astonishing, some part of him was considering the possibility of this situation being a dream, but when Osamu pulled him close, stared him right into his eyes and asked, “Can I kiss ya, Rintarou?”, he had finally realized that, no, this wasn’t a dream and that Miya Osamu liked him back too._

_Nothing seemed to have changed even when they started going out, Rintarou still hanged with both brothers, eating his ice cream and exasperatedly watched the brothers’ fight, or sometimes teamed up with his newly acquired boyfriend to bully his best friend._

_But even so, there were still some significant changes, for instance, instead of his last name, Osamu started using his given one, which he shortened it to Rin as an endearment, Rintarou wished he could find an exact word to express how much he had loved hearing the nickname roll out from Osamu’s lips._

_Also, Rintarou had initially thought Osamu wouldn’t try to openly display his affection in the presence of his brother. However, the other didn’t seem to mind his brother much, often pulled Rintarou by the shoulders, plucked stray petals from his hair, or caressed his bangs away from his eyes when the wind wound up so strong._

_The gestures came out too fond, almost intimate- that Atsumu ended up stalking away in disgust, with some complaints of how sick he was to third-wheel every single time._

_Sometimes, Osamu would purposely take longer than intended to clean up the gym just so Atsumu would leave without waiting up for him. On those days, they walked close with no possible space left between them, clasping on each other’s hand, or pinkies linked if there were people close by. They took detours just so they could spend more time together, on a rare occasion, they refuged in some secluded parks, under shaded trees to share passionate kisses._

_He could still clearly remember the first time they had exchanged the “I love you”s, Rintarou had been stressed over the future, unlike Osamu he didn’t have a concrete plan, and they were graduating in a few weeks._

_He remembered complaining out loud. “I think I’m going to end up jobless at this point.”_

_But Osamu had gingerly held his hand, “You don’t hafta worry about it, Rin. I’ll still love you even you’re broke and homeless.”_

_When Rintarou froze at his words, only did Osamu realize what he had just said, but he chuckled and squeezed his hands. “I never toldja, didn’t I?”_

_He proceeded to hold the remaining hand, and stared him right in the eyes, his grey eyes boring right into his soul, Rintarou surprisingly felt vulnerable at the intensity of his gaze._

_“Rin, I love ya.” He carefully said, before his lips quirking up into the same boyish grin he happened to wear whenever he got embarrassed._

_Rintarou had never imagined that being with another person, hearing him profess his love would give him this much bliss. He had never been the one to believe true love or whatever bullshits the society would spout, but Osamu singlehandedly changed his beliefs and got him so wrapped up that he sometimes wondered if he’ll ever be alright if Osamu would no longer be able to stay by his side._

_He decided he didn’t have to worry about it when he pulled Osamu close to reply “I love you too” and the latter gave him the widest smile he had ever seen on him. Rintarou couldn’t help grin back, like an idiot, his chest cavity full with so much love for the older male._

_Who could’ve known, that the very person who brought him so much smiles would also be responsible for all the tears he would have to shed?_

“You previously said that everyone around you knew about your relationship,” Sakusa comments, sipping on his coffee amidst, before setting the cup down to continue, “I think it probably has something to do with Miya.”

“I mean the other Miya-not your, um, ex-boyfriend.” He adds when Rintarou blinked at him.

“Yeah, I know,” he smiles a little, amused to see Sakusa Kiyoomi being nervous, it’s not something to see often after all. Rintarou mentally notes to remember to boast this feat to Motoya.

“Back in youth camp, I’m pretty sure he did it subconsciously,” there is fondness as plain as day in his voice that he wonders how Atsumu never noticed even though he was able to tell Suna’s crush on his brother almost instantly. “Miya never stopped talking about you two, he didn’t leave out the small details either. Just like that, we actually managed to realize that you and the other Miya were going out.”

“Atsumu’s an idiot,” Rintarou scoffs, but his eyes crinkle when he remembers how Osamu had kicked his brother’s ass for outing him without his consent after Hirugami mindlessly congratulated Osamu and asked him where his middle blocker boyfriend had gone in the middle of their conversation.

“But he seems to care for you deeply as well,” Sakusa has a fairly tender look on his face, “Motoya mentioned to me in passing that Miya was constantly checking up about you because you weren’t answering his calls.”

“You could’ve just referred to him as Atsumu at this point, you know? You’re confusing me here,” Rintarou frowns, “We all know you guys are past the stage of last names, didn’t he even have that weird nickname for you? Omi-kun, wasn’t it?”

“If you are listening to me logically, you would be able to tell it right away that I’m talking about Atsumu.” Sakusa strikes back, “The reason why you got confused was probably because there’s a part of you that wishes for Osamu-san to change his mind.”

Rintarou finally understands why Motoya apologized for his cousin beforehand, because Sakusa Kiyoomi managed to hit all his sore spots with just one single line.

“Woah, geez,” Rintarou winces, “remind me to never argue with you. You’re brutal.”

Sakusa shrugs. “I just feel like you could use some truths now.”

“I totally took you for the type to swallow back all the thing he has to say because it would be too troublesome to argue?”

“I am,” Sakusa affirms, “but I was the one who talked you into this therapeutic session and it’s going to bug me if I don’t finish something I started so.”

“So you’re devoted,” Rintarou raises his brows, “a charming trait. I’m really considering the next date.”

“If you ever move on, I’ll think about it.”

“Harsh,” he complains, “as if it’s going to happen with how obviously you’re into Atsumu.”

Sakusa’s eyes visibly widen at his statement, and Rintarou couldn’t help but laugh out loud at his reaction. It’s probably his first time laughing these past few days.

“You must be either trying to play dumb or just painfully ignorant if you think you’re being subtle?” Rintarou advices.

“I just didn’t think you would catch on this fast,” Sakusa says, “I mean we haven’t been engaging in conversation for long.”

“Well, news flash, Omi-kun! It’s more than enough to come to this conclusion, it’s hard not to especially with the way you look whenever you talk about him.”

Sakusa smiles down to his coffee, he never knew Sakusa Kiyoomi would look this insanely attractive when smiling, that Rintarou momentarily considers the option of moving on with this man but who’s he kidding?

“Motoya will be disappointed to hear this,” Sakusa shakes his head lightly, “he set us up so that we could both try going out yet here we are, talking about two people developing from the same zygote.”

“Okay, smartass, I totally didn’t get the last part, but moving on,” Rintarou slaps a hand on the table, “Osamu has nothing to do with me now, but you, on the other hand, have a big fat chance with Atsumu, so what’s stopping you?”

“Suna, I hope you remember that I live in Tokyo and Miya is 5 hours away from me.”

“Atsumu travels a lot for his matches so it’s not like he always sticks to one place,” Rintarou justifies, “didn’t he often come to Tokyo? I know you guys meet up for drinks whenever that happens.”

Sakusa almost opens his mouth to protest, but Rintarou interrupts before he could do so, “You’re going to say “Miya forced me to go” but you never turned him down anyway, so that’s something.”

“Even you and Osamu-san who knew each other like the back of one’s hand, ended up falling out,” Sakusa speaks, “Miya and I barely knew each other, there’s no way it would work.”

“With the way Atsumu tends to overshare, I doubt there are things about him you’ve yet to know.” Rintarou says, and his eyes automatically turn solemn.

“The distance may have been a part too,” Rintarou silently ponders, “but the main reason for the fallout was because I failed to communicate. It was never Osamu’s fault, it was mine.”

Sakusa looks at him sympathetically.

“I really wish I could’ve taken back those months,” Rintarou pulls into a fist, “I would’ve done it differently if I had known that it would end up making him leave.”

He bites his lips in order to keep the brimming tears at bay, he definitely doesn’t want to break down in the middle of the café, which is sure to happen once he lets the first drop fall.

“Love is a wonderful thing; I’ve figured out a whole lot of things I had no idea about myself in the process. He made me happy in many ways no one could ever manage, I really had been the happiest,” Rintarou’s voice cracks, “but being in love also means giving up your control, knowingly giving someone else the power to destroy you.”

**_(2015)_ **

_The following months soon after graduation were the hardest time in Rintarou’s entire life, he literally had no plan, his grades were too terrible to enroll at a college, though he still wouldn’t have done it even if his grades were a little bit better than this, he was pretty sure he wasn’t cut out for studying. He somehow felt like he was really going to end up penniless just like he had complained to Osamu. He didn’t want to go back to Nagoya either, since he had made himself home in Amagasaki. In the end, he ultimately decided to take up a whole lot of part time jobs to live by, that was when he miraculously got a last minute offer from Hiashi Automotive Lions, which perfectly worked out for him, considering the team was based in Kawanishi, just 20 minutes ride from Amagasaki._

_Rintarou hadn’t really expected for the offer to come, he knew he was good at what he did but most of the Inarizaki members were outshone by the twins. It wasn’t surprising, considering their flashy quicks, attractive faces and their distinct hair colors, one couldn’t just look away from the duo. And since Osamu almost always turned down the offers from his 2_ _ nd _ _year of high school, finally having his mind made up on not going pro, most of the scouts flocked to Miya Atsumu, which too was a given, because he was Miya Atsumu, the guy who literally won both best server award and best setter award. Compared to that, Rintarou was just a guy, the shortest middle blocker who had a special torso as his trump card._

_So, it came off surprising when the scout reached out to him, but he didn’t hesitate in accepting the offer, and thus his very unexpected journey as a professional player started._

_Osamu had been the happiest one to receive the news, the older of the two pulled him into a tight hug, saying how he’d always felt like Rintarou would do well as a professional V-league player._

_“I’m so proud of you, Rin.” He exclaimed with that same old boyish grin Rintarou loved to see on his face._

_Rintarou had been playing volleyball for longer than he could even remember, his body had grown accustomed to the spikes, receives, blocks and everything else, all thanks to the muscle memory that Inarizaki had ingrained in him. The processes still remained the same even as a professional player, but a little more intense compared to the club activities. It was tiring, he didn’t want to move a muscle once he got home but in the same time, it was fun. He barely considered himself this career, but he was really glad he chose this path._

_Even so there were also bad days when he had felt like he couldn’t do this anymore or days when the practice ended up too intense that he almost collapsed from fatigue, but Osamu was there for him, keeping him strong. When he felt like nothing ever went well, leave it to Miya Osamu to keep him together with his subtle love languages of helping him wash his hair, cooking Rintarou his favorite dish, hold him tight and murmured his insomniac self to sleep._

_If their high school days were the pure, happiest days of his life, dating Miya Osamu after graduation was a whole new world, with both of them recently turning legal, the relationship was electrifying and they just couldn’t keep their hands off each other. They were both each other’s firsts, laughs and titters in daytime and moans and groans underneath the moonlight, life was good._

_Even though they were living in different cities of Hyogo, everything remained the same. On weekdays when Rintarou was busy with his practices and Osamu with his college classes, they would just call each other almost all night long, talking everything that came to their mind, and sometimes for not-so-innocent purposes. Weekends were his favorite part of the week, he would only have a short practice on Saturday, and the remaining time were solely reserved for Osamu, who always came by to sleepover at his apartment._

_Waking up to Osamu’s face or to the feeling of his lips pressed against his forehead, cutting his vegetables in weird shapes when he helped the other male to prepare for meals, kissing him to make up for ruining the visuals of his dishes, holding him close by the neck and feeling like he had the entire world right between his hands whenever they made love, in all those little things Rintarou found his happiness and he had sincerely wished his days could remain this way forever._

_But the biggest regrets in his entire life started from that point on, all he had in his mind back then was Osamu’s wellbeing but instead he ended up pushing the only guy he had ever loved._

_His first mistake started when Osamu got himself a chance to work as a chef in one of the best Japanese restaurant in the entire country._

_“Rin, can ya believe it?” he excitedly grabbed Rintarou’s hands, “You know I’ve literally watched every single show Yamamoto-san appeared in, right? Now, I’m going to work with him, I can’t believe it!”_

_Rintarou had chuckled, and pulled him into a hug. “Isn’t my boyfriend amazing? He always succeeds in whatever he tries to do.”_

_“Geez,” Osamu grinned, arms grabbing Rintarou’s waist and rocked the two of them in excitement, “only because I have you right by my side.”_

_“When do you have to go there?” asked Rintarou, hooking his chin on the latter’s shoulders._

_“Awn, is my baby going to be lonely?” Osamu teased, running his fingers through Rintarou’s soft brown locks, “Okayama is just two hours away from Kawanishi, Rin. I promise I’ll drop by often.”_

_“N-no, I’m not concerned about it,” Rintarou pulled back to protest, proceeded to pout when Osamu sent him a smirk, “I just want to know how long you have to prepare to move.”_

_“If you say so.” Osamu extended his hand towards him, and stared at him with a look filled with so much affection, Rintarou’s heart ached at the sight. “I love ya so damn much, Rin.”_

_Rintarou forced himself to grin back, and took the latter’s hand, “I love you too, ‘Samu.”_

_“More than you ever know,” he whispered to himself when Osamu turned his back to lead him to a restaurant, and with his other hand, he stuffed the proposal letter from EJP to the very bottom of his duffel bag._

_Thinking back now, Rintarou had no idea why he didn’t let Osamu know about EJP recruiting him. Sure, EJP was based in Tokyo, with Osamu moving west, the distance between them was huge and it terrified him. But neither of them were the type to need much interactions to keep going, Rintarou could’ve gone weeks without seeing Osamu yet the love he had for the other male still enveloped his whole being, and it applied to Osamu just the same._

_But back then, Rintarou was convinced that he might waver Osamu’s resolve to move to Okayama and hinder his future if he were to tell him about his recruitment to the division 1 team. He should’ve known nothing could ever change Osamu’s mind when he was invested in something, nor he should’ve trusted in the love and bonds they shared over the past years, should’ve known that Osamu would be nothing but proud of him if he broke the news. His boyfriend had been the most supportive ever since he had started walking this part, even his own parents weren’t this understanding. Osamu had attended most of his matches, and win or lose, he was always there for Rintarou to tell him that he had done a great job. And when they watched the replays of his matches, Osamu would sometimes complain how Rintarou deserved to be in Division 1 with his skills, he would’ve been overjoyed to hear him finally making into Division 1, especially to Rintarou’s favorite team._

_If time machine were to exist, Rintarou wouldn’t hesitate to rewind back to his 20_ _ th _ _birthday. Turning 20 was weird, he was no longer a teen, but he wasn’t able to make decision like a full-fledged adult either. He would be living a much happier life, if only he could slap some common sense into his 20-year-old self._

_He had thought that everything he had done; it was entirely for Osamu. But it was just him trying to justify himself, the truth was, he was too engrossed in himself, too wrapped up in his own thoughts that he failed to see the pain he inflicted on other people._

_Soon enough, Osamu came knocking furiously on the door of his new apartment in Tokyo. During the past 3 years of dating, the other male had never even raised his voice at him, let alone being angry._

_Osamu’s anger was ferocious, all his common sense and self-restraints seemed to have been undone by his fury, gone was the gentle boyfriend who would’ve done everything just to make Rintarou smile. And Rintarou, by all means, really deserved his wrath._

_“Why did you do that?” His tone was stone cold, eyes flaring up._

_“Osamu-”_

_“Suna Rintarou,” he slapped away Rintarou’s hands that were attempting to calm him down, “I’m asking you, why the fuck did you do that?”_

_If not informing Osamu about his transfer was his first mistake, the words he chose to answer right at the moment would probably be his second one. He should’ve come clean; he should’ve said he wasn’t thinking straight when he moved to Tokyo all by himself without letting his boyfriend know._

_But instead, he mumbled out. “I don’t know.”_

_Osamu had looked like he had no idea if he wanted to punch him right in the face or turned on his heels and walked away this instance._

_Incredulously, he scoffed. “I don’t know? Is this all you have to say?”_

_“Samu, calm down. You’re going to disturb the neigh-”_

_“Calm down?” He laughed bitterly, “Give me a single reason why I should fucking calm down when my boyfriend just moved away to another goddamn region and I was the last one to hear about it.”_

_“Osamu, please.” Rintarou pleaded, “Let’s not do it here.”_

_He wavered a little when he saw Rintarou make a face he had never seen before, but he didn’t let him touch and shoved past him to walk into the unit. Osamu relatively calmed down when he got inside, but said nothing. It was the most painful silence they had had, Osamu sat on the sofa, hands pulled up into a fist on his lap, while Rintarou lingered around the sofa, fiddling his fingers like it was the most interesting thing on earth._

_“Tell me, Rin.” Osamu’s voice trembled, “Would you leave me in the dark if I hadn’t found out from Atsumu?”_

_Rintarou felt as if there was an obstacle lodging in his throat, unable to speak, he just shook his head._

_“I can’t think of any reason why you would do that,” Osamu pushed his fingers through his now-black hair, the action he often did when he was frustrated. Rintarou just stared at him._

_Osamu looked right back into his eyes. “Do you not need me anymore?”_

_The question stirred Rintarou up, and he shook his head profusely. “No, it’s not- ‘Samu, it’s not like that, I swear.”_

_“Then why?” Osamu stood up, “Did you think I would’ve told you not to go?”_

_“No, I-”_

_Osamu approached him, and pressed his fingers into Rintarou’s shoulders. “When I got recruited to Okayama, you were the first person I could think of. I thought about how you stayed up late together with me while I was trying to come up with new recipes, how you tasted my dishes and helped me figure things out. I leaned on you during my bad days. And I had believed that you would do the same.”_

_“Am I not worthy of your trust?” He whispered, “Hey, Rin. What am I to you?”_

_The question broke Rintarou. “I’m sorry, Osamu. I’m really sorry.”_

_“I still have no idea why I did that-” he bit his lips, “It’s not because I don’t trust you, nor I’m not trying to get rid of you, believe me on this.”_

_“I love you, Osamu.” He might not be able to figure things out lately, he’ll always mean it when he said these words to Osamu, whom seemed to have recognize his sincerity, and urgently pulled him for a kiss._

_Their relationship noticeably became strained after the incident, but both of them were good at pretending, they had kept on like nothing ever happened between them. Osamu had moved back to Amagasaki for his start-up, and Rintarou still visited him frequently whenever he was nearby for his matches, and Osamu dropped by whenever he had some business in Tokyo. Despite the efforts they were putting to see each other, the tension was palpable. Everyone around them seemed to notice, but no one, not even Atsumu, brought up about it so they continued putting on their acts. And that’s Rintarou’s third regret: leaving the situation as it was instead of trying to resolve._

_The 20th was a cursed year for him, not only because of almost having a fallout with his long-term boyfriend, he had suffered a slump in his career as well._

_Rintarou had always felt confident in his volleyball skills, he knew he was talented. Despite being the shortest middle blocker, his stamina, reflex and techniques made up for those few centimeters he lacked. He had only felt inferior when it came to monsters like Atsumu, but overall he was pretty sure he was better than average. Even as a professional player, he could sometimes play hooky liked he used to back in high school, never needed to put much effort to win. But he realized how naïve he had been only when he got to EJP, Division 1 Team._

_It was a banquet of monsters, and Rintarou had finally learned that raw talent will only take you to a certain place, you need passion and hunger to be able to withstand the peer pressure of Division 1. So, Rintarou did what he did best, bottle things up and things just turned into a downward spiral from that moment on._

_Before he would’ve sought for comfort in Osamu, but he decided that he didn’t want to trouble his boyfriend even more as he was busy with his newly established Onigiri business. Almost every day he broke down behind the walls of his 27m 2 apartment, with only his overwhelming thoughts for company. He still met up with Osamu from time to time, and those brief times spent with him were the only moments where he was breathable. No one found out what he had been going through for long, not even his own boyfriend, and Rintarou never once considered to speak up either, he practically built walls around him and refused to let anyone see this vulnerable part of him. No matter how much Rintarou was good at pretending, he was only human, the façade slowly got worn out. _

_Atsumu was the first to notice, he persistently asked him if he was alright, but Rintarou was even more stubborn, after affirming several times that there was nothing really wrong with him, Atsumu dropped the subject, but he never stopped checking up on him._

_Motoya was the second person, he had barely known the libero from Itachiyama back in high school, but there was no way one could even dislike Komori Motoya so they instantly became friends, the two of them being the youngest in the entire team. Motoya wasn’t as pushy as MSBY’s setter, but he constantly made sure Rintarou was eating alright and taking care of his own health._

_It was only a few months after those two people, Osamu started noticing. It wasn’t because Osamu wasn’t paying attention, he was as attentive as always. But their previously strained relationship was beginning to work again, and there was no way Rintarou would mess up just because he was miserable so he made sure he looked two times happier whenever he saw Osamu._

_“Rin, you lost some weight.” Osamu would cup his face so gently, “Please tell me yer eating well.”_

_Rintarou would just wave it off. “I’m fine, ‘Samu. The drills were a little bit too intense these days.” Before Osamu could continue further more, Rintarou would divert his attention by peppering kisses all over his face. Rintarou should’ve realized that Osamu wanted him to rely on him, but he was too absorbed in his pity-party and got drowned by his own insecurities._

_Life went on, Rintarou managed to gain his confidence in his skills once again after EJP placed 2 nd to Adlers in the 2016 year-end V.league tournament, he had gradually felt better. On his 21st birthday, Osamu took him to Sapporo and Rintarou felt like everything was finally starting to come together once again. As he laid on Osamu’s chest and watched him sleep, Rintarou realized this was the happiest he had ever been in a while. _

_Rintarou had never loved someone as much as he loved Osamu, and he thought he was doing the busy male good when he tried to keep his problems all to himself. But Osamu reckoned differently, and his tolerance snapped when Rintarou didn’t mention his injury purposely because he didn’t want Osamu to worry._

_“Is it too much of me to want to know everything that’s going on in your life?” Osamu stared him with a look he had never seen on him._

_“It was just a sprain, even if you knew, there was nothing you could’ve done except for being worried.” Rintarou explained, “It was an important time for you, I just didn’t want to bother.”_

_“I don’t care whether it’s a sprain or a goddamn paper cut,” Osamu slammed a fist on the wall, “The problem right now is that you never tell me anything.”_

_“Because there was no point in knowing something that had already happened-”_

_“I feel like I don’t know you anymore, Rintarou.” He interrupted, as he sank on the sofa, looking all exhausted. “It’s sometimes too vexing to be your boyfriend.”_

_The words rendered Rintarou speechless, he knew Osamu just said it out of fury, the latter failed to comprehend what came out of his mouth when he was enraged, but that didn’t mean his heart didn’t break at the harshness of his words._

_Osamu sighed, finally remembered that Rintarou was injured and pulled him into a hug. They moved on, and Rintarou never tried to mention anything about that day again._

_It was 19 th May of 2017, a week before their 4th anniversary when Osamu decided that he had enough of him. Rintarou should’ve expected it when Osamu came knocking his door out of the blue, wearing a grim expression. He didn’t hug Rintarou as he walked into his flat, nor gave him the usual, never-changing boyish grin Rintarou adored when Rintarou told him that his new undercut looked great on him. _

_“Hey, Rin.” Ever since he got here, Osamu had yet to look Rintarou in his eyes. Even now, he looked down to his lap, “You know, I’ve been thinking lately…”_

_Dread started to fill Rintarou, and his throat suddenly felt tight._

_“Let’s not hurt each other further more…” Osamu finally looked up and Rintarou really wished he didn’t, because his eyes were crystal clear, like he had really made up his mind and nothing will change his decision._

_Trying to ignore the sharp pain that crawled into his chest cavity, he asked. “Are you really breaking up with me?”_

_“It pains me greatly as well, Rin.” Osamu sighed, “But this is really going nowhere, we’ll end up hating each other if this goes on and I don’t want that. You’re still important to me.”_

_‘We could’ve figured it out together if you really do care for me.’_

_‘If I’m still important to you, why don’t you just stay?’_

_‘Don’t go, I need you in my life.’_

_‘I love you, Osamu. Please don’t leave me.’_

_There were a lot of things he had wanted to say, but he felt like they wouldn’t make the situation any better. It would destroy him even more if he had said them, only to hear “I’m sorry” from the man sitting across him._

_He clenched his jaw, he couldn’t cry in front of him, not now, he pleaded to himself to hang on until Osamu was out of his sight._

_“Rintarou?”_

_He clutched on the hems of his sweater, he couldn’t let Osamu see his weakness. He had made his decision, and who was Rintarou to stop him? Rintarou would’ve given up everything for Osamu’s happiness, even if his own happiness was at stake. If him being in pain would make Osamu waver, he’ll just pretend that he too was tired of Osamu as well._

_“Okay.” It took almost every single fiber in his body to make sure his voice remained as stable as he could manage._

_“Okay? That easily?” Osamu chuckled, “You must’ve been pretty done with me too.”_

_Rintarou didn’t have enough energy to retaliate, so instead he just gave him a weak smile. They both fell into a silence, excruciatingly painful one._

_“Uh- I should go…” Osamu stood up, awkwardly pointed to the door, Rintarou mirrored his action. He felt like he was being possessed, he couldn’t feel his body at all._

_“Um, Rintarou,” Osamu looked at him concernedly, “Are ya okay? Yer bleeding.” He pointed to his lips._

_“Ah yes,” he just wiped it off with the back of his hand, “my lips are a little chapped, no big deal.”_

_“I’ll get going then.” Rintarou nodded._

_Osamu looked at him in the eyes, everything about his stare screamed finality and it took everything in Rintarou to not breakdown right there. “Have a great life, Suna.”_

_He nodded again. He was too deep in his pain that he couldn’t dwell over how long it had been since Osamu called him by the last name. Osamu seemed to realize that he won’t get further more reaction from Rintarou and turned back to leave._

_This won’t do, he couldn’t say goodbye like this, if Osamu were to recall their last moment, it should at least be something beautiful._

_“Osamu,” he called, and Osamu immediately looked back._

_“Thank you,” he mustered up a genuine smile, “I was happy.” Osamu’s eyes softened at the sight of his smile, he raised his hand, almost as if he was going to reach for Rintarou, but he ran it through his hair instead, and nodded at him. And without saying anything more, Osamu walked out of his apartment, as well as from his life._

_Rintarou was far from a crier, his mother always reminded him how much he used to bawl as a toddler but as far back as he could remember, there weren’t even a handful instances where he cried. But once the front door to his flat clicked shut, all the tears he had been storing throughout the past years poured out instantly, nothing could manage to put a stop to the overflowing tears and so he let himself cry like a baby._

_A girl from his class back in junior high called him heartless when he flat out rejected her friend’s confession. It would’ve been real nice if he was really heartless like her accusation, if so he wouldn’t have to go through this pain and feel like his heart was ripped apart into tiny little pieces._

_Rintarou managed to collect himself into normally functioning human being by the time Atsumu came over a few weeks after their breakup to retrieve several things Osamu had left, to which Atsumu denied profusely and exclaimed that he was solely over to comfort his best friend. It wasn’t as if Rintarou doubted his words, he knew Atsumu genuinely cared for his wellbeing. Atsumu suggested they binge-watched some shitty soap operas, but he was pretty sure he would breakdown in the middle of the movies because it will remind him too much of Osamu. Atsumu was Osamu’s brother as well, there was no way he could let the blonde male see how broken Rintarou had been ever since Osamu left him. So, he lied to the blonde male that he had plans with Motoya, Atsumu begrudgingly shoved Osamu’s belongings into the spare bag, but he didn’t push the matter either, probably his way of letting Rintarou move on._

_“Don’t forget to eat well, Rintarou.” Atsumu gave him a sad smile. He’d never realized how similar these brothers can be until Atsumu pulled him into a hug and he was reminded of Osamu for the countless time that week. He almost thought he would burst into tears, but surprisingly he felt nothing, he even managed to give Atsumu a smile when he left. He probably ran out of all the tears to cry. Along with the last few pieces of stuffs that reminded greatly of Osamu, gone were his ability to feel pain, and only a numb, empty shell remained._

“You’re an idiot,” Sakusa says, but his eyes are filled with concern.

Rintarou couldn’t help but smile. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“How long has it been since then?” inquires Sakusa, “6 months?”

“Turning 7 months next week.”

“And how do you feel?”

“Time has been healing, I’ve gotten a little bit better compared to the past months.” he replies, “This really feels like a therapy session.”

Sakusa just eyes him curiously. “Do you take constructive criticism?” 

Rintarou laughs. “Go ahead, let’s hear it.”

“You told me before that being in love means giving up your control right?” Sakusa clears his throat, “But when did you ever give up your control?”

“Ouch-”

“Wait, I’m not done-” Sakusa interrupts, “You never gave up your control, and instead you even tried to control things for both of you.”

“I’m sure Osamu-san didn’t need you to make his decisions for him,” Rintarou winces, and he knows his words hurt more because Rintarou had came to the same conclusion a few days ago, “not back when you got accepted to EJP, not when you moved to Tokyo, nor the injury you had. You don’t get to decide what’s good for him or not. All you had to do was to let him know.” Rintarou’s face fell when he remembers how hurt Osamu had been when he had learned about his injury from Aran who Rintarou was playing against when it happened.

“I’ll tell you a secret,” Sakusa tries, trying to lighten up the mood. Rintarou perks up at his words, and stares at him, “even though I always tell Miya to shut up, I really like to hear him talk. It doesn’t have even to be something special, he could be talking about the time when his neighbor got bitten by a dog, still it makes me happy.”

“No way-” Rintarou’s eyes widens.

“Shut up-” Sakusa is flushed red, “Say nothing more.”

Rintarou grins. “Your secret is safe with me.”

“My point is-” Sakusa looks at him pointedly, “I don’t really know Osamu-san but I’m sure all he had wanted from you was to lean on him, let him know every single thing that happened in your life. But instead, even at the final moment, you made the decision for both of you and pushed him out of your life.”

“I know,” Rintarou bitterly smiles, “I should’ve trusted in the bonds we’ve shared over the past years, I should’ve leaned on him more, I shouldn’t have let my insecurities get the better of me. In the end all those little things, which I had thought was done out of good will, backfired. I lost the most important person in my life, all because I was too stubborn to realize. But I don’t regret letting him go, I’m a mess, he would be happier without me.”

Sakusa scoffs. “There you go again, making the decision for the two of you.”

“Everyone has their insecurities, and it’s called being human. You’re not a mess just because you have a few insecurities.”

A genuine smile blooms on Rintarou’s face. “Thank you, Sakusa. Truly.”

“Man,” Rintarou grins, before the situation turns mushy, “talking it out does feel good, I should’ve done it earlier.”

“Don’t ever say it in front of Motoya,” Sakusa warns, “he won’t stop annoying you with his “I told you so”.”

Rintarou looks down at his coffee cup and Sakusa stares at him.

“You managed to convey your true feelings to me,” Sakusa slowly says, “don’t you think you should at least do the same with Osamu-san?”

“It’s no use now.” Rintarou taps the table gravely, “I had considered opening up to him right before he left, you know? But I remembered I had a lot of chances to do that, but I never tried, so it led him to make that decision, and who was I to stop that?”

Sakusa’s expression is unreadable. “I have always been slow when it comes to processing stuffs, so it only dawned upon me that he was gone for good after a week, on our 4th anniversary. After that, I contemplated a lot of times whether if I should call him to apologize. But I know Osamu, he isn’t one to say things out loud if he isn’t sure. Everything was already too late for me when he suggested to break up.”

“So even if I get real with him now, he won’t change his decision.” Rintarou looks up and gives him a sad smile, “It has been 7 months, he has probably moved on and might’ve even met someone new by now. I shouldn’t go and stir what had been stilled after all these times.”

“But it isn’t fair for both of you-” Rintarou looks him questioningly.

“It isn’t fair for Osamu-san to not know the truth, even if he had moved on, he still deserved to know that he had tried his best, that things fell apart not because he wasn’t trustworthy. He deserves closure…” Sakusa looks him in the eye, “so do you.”

“You’ll never move on with all these regrets binding you. Regardless of the result, you should open up, at least for one last time, you don’t even need to apologize if you don’t want to. Just tell him about all your regrets, what was going on inside your mind back then, like you just did with me. If anything, Osamu-san deserves your honesty.”

“Honestly speaking,” Rintarou buries his face in his palms, “I’m terrified.”

“I have only heard the story from you so I can’t tell much,” The raven-haired male says, “but I don’t think you don’t have to think over it that much.”

Rintarou remembers Atsumu saying the same line back when he figured out Rintarou’s feelings, and he smiles a little.

“You had already lost him, what more do you have to be scared of?”

“You’re absolutely right,” Rintarou laughs, “we’re literally strangers now, how worse could it even get?”

“That’s the spirit.”

“You saying that line in a monotone doesn’t really cheer me up.”

“Like you could do better.” Sakusa mocks. Rintarou’s phone chimes from a notification, he looks down to see a message from Motoya.

“It’s from Motoya,” he informs Sakusa.

“He’s definitely being a curious cat.” Rintarou grins at the comment, and gasps when he sees the time.

“Oh my god, it’s already that time?”

Sakusa looks down to his fancy Rolex and he gets stunned as well. “We really did talk a lot.”

Rintarou swiftly slides his card to the waitress when she comes with the bill, before Sakusa could even take out his wallet.

“I know you’re rich but no excuses, my treat-” he interrupts, before the other male could even open his mouth, “since I ranted to you a lot.”

He doesn’t say anything in return and looks at him with an expression he couldn’t decipher, Sakusa Kiyoomi is really hard to understand but Rintarou really, really likes him. He would’ve asked him out again if they both aren’t deeply in love with someone else.

Both of them stand near Sakusa Kiyoomi’s luxurious BMW to say goodbyes, damn rich boy, making him really feel like a broke main lead from Korean drama. It feels like not much time has passed since they first met, when in reality, it had been hours more than Rintarou would normally spend with someone he barely knows. Who would’ve known that Rintarou would end up being comfortable with Sakusa Kiyoomi out of all possible people? He had previously found the ace of Itachiyama and his intense cleaning habits weird but now Sakusa Kiyoomi is the sole person in the entire world who have seen the deepest corners of his soul.

Rintarou inserts both his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and looks at Sakusa. He looks like a superstar with his dark brown long trench coat, especially when he pushes up his shades (okay where did the shades even come from), he couldn’t help but think how lucky Atsumu is to have this guy whipped for him.

“I really had a good time, Sakusa.” Rintarou sincerely says, “Thanks for showing up and sparing me the embarrassment of being stood up.”

For a second time that day, Sakusa gives him a genuine smile. “I had a great time too, Suna. Thanks to you, I think I have an idea for my plans after college.”

Rintarou’s eyes brighten up at the new information. “I’m going to beat you lovebirds the next time I see you on court.”

“I’ll be looking forward to it.” Sakusa smirks.

“Be good to him, will you?” Rintarou requests, “He’s such a crybaby, and always gets on your nerve but he’s a good guy. I’d hate to see him broken.”

“Is that a threat?”

Rintarou shrugs. “Depends on what you plan to do with him.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Sakusa then reaches out to pat him on the shoulders, completely baffling Rintarou. Did Mr. Germaphobe seriously touch him? Did he imagine that?

“You don’t have to look that shocked,” Sakusa frowns.

“But I look like shit right now-” Rintarou gestures himself, “yet, you still touch me. Wow, I gotta tell this to Motoya.”

Sakusa rolls his eyes at his reaction, before looking him in the eyes. “Good luck. I hope it goes well.”

“I really hope so.”

“I’m going to hold you to a second date.” Sakusa smiles. “But I doubt we’ll need it.”

Rintarou smiles back. “It’s your treat if we ever have one.”

“Deal.”

“Have a safe drive back home, Sakusa.”

“Same to you,” he says, opening the door to his car, “have a good night, Suna.”

Rintarou finally turns back on his heels and walks away from the café, his footsteps remarkably get lighter than this morning when he was heading towards it. He supposes he has some gratitude to relay to Motoya.

* * *

**(2022)**

Sakusa Kiyoomi looks as gorgeous as 5 years ago when he walked into the café as Rintarou’s date, his curls still look amazing on him, sporting a similar undercut. All the years of being a professional player do a wonder to his body, he looks even more ripped. Instead of the luxurious long trench coat, he has equally expensive fitted white suit on, and a different pair of Rolex fastened around his wrist. His trade-mark surgical mask is nowhere to be found, in its stead, a small, content smile, very uncharacteristic of him, takes place.

Rintarou doesn’t hesitate to approach him, wearing a small but genuine smile.

“Why did you agree to it?” Rintarou tries.

Kiyoomi gives him a knowing stare, before focusing all his attention on the blonde male right next to him, cladded in similar white suit. “Because I love him.”

“The threat still stands in case you might forget.”

“I won’t.” Kiyoomi chuckles.

“What are you guys talking about?” Atsumu complains, “Don’t leave me out!”

“It’s a secret.” They both rhyme unintentionally, and the action makes Atsumu throw a tantrum even more.

“Samu!” Atsumu whines, turns to his approaching brother for aid, “Rin and Omi-kun are bullying me!”

“You probably deserve it,” Osamu barely looks at his brother as he pulls Rintarou close by the waist, all his attention shifted on him, reminding Rintarou of the way Kiyoomi stares at Atsumu.

“Here is your champagne, Rin.” He hands him the glass, not before pressing a soft kiss on his temple. Atsumu gags at the gesture.

“Thanks, Samu.” Rintarou smiles, rests his free hand on Osamu’s shoulder.

“Anything for you.”

“God, you guys are disgusting.” Atsumu groans, “Please have some manners, this is me and Omi’s wedding for your information.”

“It isn’t our fault if we ended up outshining you guys,” Rintarou shrugs, “that probably just means we’re the better couple.”

“Look here, Sunarin-” Before Atsumu could even fire back, the newly wedded couple is approached by another pair of guest. Without any words, Osamu guides him to the seats nearby the lake, isolated from everyone, still holding his waist firmly.

They sit side by side, the warmth from Osamu’s body seeps into him as well, due to their close proximity, and Rintarou stares at the entwined fingers with heart so full of love.

Osamu’s other hand reaches over to their linked hands to mindlessly rub soothing circles on the back of Rintarou’s palm, the gesture’s too intimate that he kind of wants to cry. He had almost lost this, he achingly remembers and tightens the grip. Rintarou looks up to the certain raven-haired male, he really wouldn’t be right here if he hadn’t met up with Sakusa Kiyoomi that day, it was all because of the courage Kiyoomi helped him gain.

_During the 6 months of heartbreak, no matter how unbearable the pain got, Rintarou had never once considered to go knocking on Miya Osamu’s door. But after going on a date which turned into a therapeutic session with Sakusa Kiyoomi, here he was, doing the sole thing he swore of not doing._

_Osamu got the door after a few moments, which wasn’t that long but enough time for Rintarou to start freaking out about his decision._ _He visibly stiffened at the sight of Rintarou, and it took a whole lot of his resolution to not dash right away._

_“Why are you here, Suna?” Osamu had asked. Rintarou almost faltered at his questions, but he remembered Sakusa’s words and stay rooted at the same position._

_Even though he had been preparing for that day almost all week long, just at the sight of Osamu, his mind went blank, his throat constricted._

_Osamu sighed. “Why don’t you come inside? I’ll make you some tea.”_

_“Samu, I-” He opened his mouth, only to close it again. He couldn’t do it after all._

_“Rin, really. Come inside, it’s cold out here.” Rintarou wasn’t sure if it was the genuine concern in his words, or because of the nickname Rintarou had no idea he has missed hearing until it rolled out of Osamu’s lips, tears welled up in his eyes._

_“Osamu, I’m sorry for being the worst boyfriend, I’m sorry for always pushing you away, I’m sorry for making you feel like I never needed you, I’m sorry for deciding things for you all by myself. I was just so trapped in my own insecurities I failed to see the pain I’d inflicted on you. I actually wanted to tell you to stay that day, and that I love you…” He trembled, “I’m still a mess even now, but I think I’ll go crazy if I didn’t get to tell you how much I regretted my actions. Osamu, I-”_

_Osamu placed a hand on his jaw, tilting his face up. “Rin, ya dumbass.”_

_Then he proceeded to give the usual boyish grin he knew Rintarou was absolutely weak for. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to hear that from you.”_

Rintarou snaps out of his trance when Osamu places a hand on his jaw, just the way from the episode of flashbacks he was just having.

“What’re you thinking about?”

“You,” Rintarou places his hand atop, “I was thinking about you.”

Laughter rings out of Osamu pleasantly, then presses a chaste kiss on his lips. “Good, only think of me. Don’t gawk at Sakusa Kiyoomi.”

Rintarou raises his brow at the comment. “Tell me, when did I ever gawk at Kiyoomi?”

“It would take me hours to list,” Osamu gives him an unimpressed look, “but if I have to mention a few instances- when I went to get the champagne and just now before you started spacing out.”

“Awww, ‘Samu.” Rintarou chuckles. “Are you jealous?”

“No-” He immediately denies.

“Okay cool,” Rintarou grins, “because I’m about to tell you that I once went on a date with him.”

“HAH?” Rintarou quickly presses his index on the older male’s lips.

Osamu immediately removes his finger. “When was it? Why did you never mention?”

“Because it wasn’t really a date,” Rintarou smiles, recalling the day, “all we talked about was you two.”

“Is it during that time?” Osamu asks.

“Hey,” Rintarou chuckles, hands reaching out to smoothen the frown lines on his forehead, “it has been 5 years, stop frowning whenever the topic comes up. You’re gonna end up with wrinkles at young age.”

“Because I still can’t forgive myself for leaving you.”

“Samu,” Rintarou thumbs his jaw, “we’ve been over this. It was on both of us. Didn’t we decide to not feel guilty about it anymore?”

“I know,” Osamu tilts his face to press a kiss on his palm, “I just hate to have been the reason behind your tears.”

“You cried over me too so we’re equal.”

“Rin,” Osamu bops his nose with his own, “do you remember when I promised to never make you cry again?”

“I told you, it wasn’t necessary.” Rintarou chuckles, “But you were adamant.”

“I’m sorry in advance if this will make me break my promise but-”

“Osamu, what-”

Osamu’s right, he really did end up breaking his promise. Rintarou tears up once again because of him, but this time, it’s out of pure joy. “I’ve known you since I was 16, and we’ve been through a lot of things together, we’ve been each other’s firsts, we fought, we made up, we still have a lot of bad days, even so I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with somebody else. I’m far from being perfect, but for you, I’d do anything. I love you more than you’ll ever know, so Suna Rintarou, will you marry me?”

Far behind Osamu, he sees Atsumu and Kiyoomi smiling at their direction, with the blonde male jumping up and down and giving him a thumb up.

“Yes, Osamu. I’ll marry you.” He chokes out, and before Osamu could stand up to put the ring around him, Rintarou jumps on him.

“Rin, ouch-” Osamu complains when they both collapse on the grass, but he looks down just to see Rintarou sprawled on his chest and smiles widely.

“I’ll make you happy, Rin.” He ducks to press a kiss on his forehead.

“That’s my line,” Rintarou retorts, “I’ll make sure you win against Atsumu in your stupid little competition.”

Osamu throws back his head to let out a laugh. “I can’t wait to see how that unfolds.”

“Me too,” replies Rintarou dazedly, as he watches the captivating way the love of his life laughs.

Love is a wonderful thing, indeed. 

* * *


End file.
